Still Small Voice Ministries

I grew up in the 1950's in a household that was run like a military unit. My father was an ex sergeant in the British Army of WW II, and discipline was rigourously enforced.
In retrospect, I believe he was probably suffering from Post Truamatic Stress Disorder after six years on the front line.
In those days however, they hadn't recognised such conditions even existed, and men with all sorts of psychological problems were returned to their jobs and families and expected to just get on with their lives.

The result was that lots of kids got 'screwed up' - myself included.
My elder brother and I grew up under a regime of strict, unbending 'discipline' and heavy handed violence. The slightest misdemeanour would result in swift, disproportionate retribution.
The term 'sledgehammer to crack a nut' comes to mind.

My father was quite a succesful bodybuilder, and one of the few things he taught me at an early age was how to punch someone in the face!

As a result of this sort of input and a complete lack of any sort of emotional support, or real moral instruction, I grew up into a violent and unprincipled atheistic youth.
Strangely enough I joined the Army - Infantry Junior Leaders - at the age of 14 - more to get away from home than anything else!

After training, at the age of sixteen I was posted to Berlin - a hotbed of lust and debauchery back in the 60's. Each payday a bunch of us would get drunk, then head down to the red light district and partake of the various services on offer. It was at this time that I also started singing in bands.

After Berlin I spent 18 months in Aden on anti-terrorist duties and was involved in scenarios which resulted in the death of other men and the maiming of innocent civilians. It was round about this time that I got a girlfriend pregnant and we married in 1969.
The marriage was a disaster. For reasons too numerous to go into, I was frequently unfaithful. I had two sons from this marriage, but to my shame, when the union inevitably collapsed, I virtually deserted them.

At the end of the 60's I left the army and became the bodyguard to one of the richest men in the country. On off duty nights I would be performing with various bands in clubs and bars, and it was at this time I got into Marijuahna.
Then speed - [amphetamine] - as well as LSD and Cocaine.

I was earning fantastic money and living entirely on expense accounts.
Frequently I'd be drivivng a limo or attending at some function totally 'out of my head' - but no one knew - at least no one down here!

After several years of this I had accumalated enough money to get a place in the hills of West Wales and open a small recording studio. I felt life was good, and that basically  I had everything I had ever wanted. I had plenty of money - a great lifestyle - was living with a very attractive woman - and all the while having illicit affairs with others.
Everybody was doing it - so I told myself it was ok!

One fine September evening, whilst sitting out on my veranda smoking a joint, I idly picked a blade of grass. The view from there goes for around thirty miles accross rolling hills and forests.
And as I studied this blade of grass, then looked out at millions upon millions of similar blades carpeting the ground into the distance, I had a sudden awareness that I could spend the rest of my life trying and could not make one single blade of grass and cause it to grow!

I was acutely aware of the cows 'mooing' in the field next to me, and the bleating of sheep in the field opposite. My cat was sitting atop a stone wall pawing at butterflies, birds flew accross the sky and my dog came up and nuzzled my hand.
In this instant I was given a 'spiritual realisation' - and I suddenly absolutely knew that what I was looking at had been 'created' - it was designed. The whole symbiosis of nature suddenly made sense and the idea that this all just 'happened' was completely unmasked for the ridiculous fraud that it is.

In that instant - I knew there was a God! I knew He had revealed something to me.

From then on, I found myself in the somewhat peculiar situation of talking to God in this sort of fashion - "Look God, I don't know if you can hear me or not or if You're even interested in listening - but I know You made this world and I guess that means You made me too - so - what do I do?"

I found myself thinking more and more about 'God stuff' over the next couple of months and I looked at all sorts of writings. Bhuddist - Hindu - Jehovas Witness - Mormon. You name it - I checked it out.
Except of course the Bible - [which I had been indoctrinated to believe was man made rubbish].

The festive season was nearly upon us, and my girlfriend and I were on our way to a party. I had a pocketful of marijuana and a couple of bottles of cider in the car.
There was a family that lived a couple of miles down the valley from us, and they grew Christmas trees and sold them for charity, so we decided we would drop in and buy a tree on our way to the party. This family had always impressed me with their very obvious love for one another. And the harmonious atmosphere of their home had often made me wish I had grown up in a family like that.

They were Christians. The husband Peter was a 'lay' preacher - [not ordained as a minister] and when we knocked on their door to buy a tree, we were invited in.
I was totally 'straight' at the time.

Peter poured me 'two fingers' of whisky and we all sat chatting in their large stonewalled lounge with a fire roaring in the old inglenook fireplace.
I suddenly heard myself saying - "Peter, you're a religious man. Have you got any answers about why we're here - what it's all about?".

His reply dismayed me. He said "The Lord Jesus Christ is the answer to the question you're asking Nick"
I remember thinking - "Oh, I thought I might get some answers here, but it seems it's just the same old fairy stories "
Then Peter said - "Would it help if we prayed?"
I remember saying - "I don't really know how to pray, but you can pray if you like"
His prayer was really simple and brief - he said - "Lord Jesus, I pray that You'll show Nick that You're there, that You love him and that he needs You in his life". We sat in silence. I had my eyes closed and was sitting in an armchair.

I became aware of the corners of the room growing darker, it was as if a 'dome' of darkness was surrounding me, slowly advancing as if to engulf me.
Everyone else had their eyes closed and I began to feel strange.
It wasn't freaky - but something was definately happening.
My breathing went haywire, I began to perspire and shake. I remember analyizing it in a sort of 'detatched' way - thinking 'this is very strange'.
Then I became aware of something very dark and nasty and the next thing I knew these two 'steel' arms came around me from behind and pulled me back into the chair. It became difficult to breathe, and I could not move - yet I had a very clear understanding that whatever this was, it was trying to prevent something - to stop something from happening.

Then in the midst of all this, in a way that was so crystal clear and irrefutable, I had a sudden 'revelation'. It was as if a light came on in the innermost part of my being - and I knew I needed Jesus.
In honesty, at that time, I didn't really know why - but the revelation was powerful enough to enable me to fight back at this force that was trying to stop me speaking.
It was a real battle - but eventually, with these 'arms' almost choking me - I was able to force out the words. "Lord Jesus, please come into my life and put it right"
Immediately there was a strong wind blowing all around me - I could see flames dancing around too, and it felt like the most amazing force of love was spiralling down through the top of my head to my feet and back up again.
Over and over it seemed to repeat and I felt like I was being 'washed' on the inside!